Obama Sends Billy Crystal to Afghanistan

Comedy replaces Gen. McChrystal's counterinsurgency

June 23, 2010

After General Stanley McChrystal embarrassed President Obama by making insubordinate jokes in a Rolling Stone magazine interview, the president conceded that the U.S. counterinsurgency strategy in Afghanistan has failed due to lack of humor. Stan McChrystal resigned today.

"I took the 'Mc' out of McChrystal and went with Billy Crystal instead," Obama explained as he bestowed honorary general rank on the comedian. "Dark humor will work better than dark ops on the ground. Billy can charm Afghan civilians the way he did in City Slickers. We don't need soldiers as much as jokers. Humor is the new American war strategy."

As he addressed troops in Kabul, Gen. Crystal dusted off horsey punchlines from the Chisholm trail: "Have we reached a point in this war where we say to ourselves, this is the best we are ever going to look, the best we are ever going to do, and it ain't that great?" Crystal said. "Women need a reason to make war and sex. Men just need a place. This godawful place is too dusty even to screw a light bulb. I can't believe any general would make his bed here."

Crystal kicked off his combat boots, wriggled his toes and replaced his Army cap with a cavalry Stetson. "I can't be funny if my feet and head don't feel right," he said. "Make fun, not war."

Obama reminded Crystal that Afghanistan is a serious target that holds an estimated bonanza of $1 trillion in mineral treasure, including copper, gold, iron and lithium.

"The lithium will come in handy after my initial manic period," Crystal said. "This place is depressing. I'd rather be emcee at the Oscars than general of Afghanistan. I'm gonna get us outa here. Promise."

Then Gen. Crystal got up onto his horse, which promptly bucked him off. "Oops. Forgot how to ride," he said, brushing grit from his hat.

—James Dunn
Click for more humor